UNIVERSITY, Miss. – In an unprecedented demonstration of student-body power, the Croft Senate unanimously adopted a motion last week to transform the Institute’s majestic, antebellum palace into a zero-emissions landmark by October 1.
To reduce emissions, the Senate has decided to disconnect the Croft building from the University power grid, opting instead to employ a mix of over 600 finance, education, art and philosophy majors to continuously ride stationary bicycles in the Croft basement. Compensation for each completed eight hour shift includes 10 Crollars per hour, two hot meals and basic living arrangements near the premises.
“As outlined in section 4, paragraph 9, line 6 of the edict” explained Senate president Ronald Jackson, “Croft will save over 400 dollars a month on energy costs. To me and all of my colleagues, it is clear that six or seven hundred business majors, or whatever they call them now, is a small price to pay for clean, cheap energy.”
“They’re driving Tahoes and pushing paper all day,” Jackson continued. “We’re bending the rules of physics, reshaping the global economy, and ushering in a new generation of sustainable ultra-development. You tell me who’s worth more.”
But for some, the plan comes at an extremely high cost.
“It’s just so hard to pedal the bikes for 8 hours at a time,” sighed an exhausted sophomore classics major, whose name has already been forgotten by the Gods of Academia only one floor above, whose soft faces are unceasingly illuminated by the warm light his manpower provides. “I think the biggest challenge was when they took away my Chacos and Wayfarers. Now, I feel like such a GDI.”
Despite these challenges, the Senate’s official position is unwavering.
“We understand that we’ve set an extremely high goal,” admitted a member of the Senate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But that’s what Croft students do – we set unreasonable goals for ourselves, and we do whatever it takes to reach them.”
Croft administrators agree.
“The Croft Institute has always been at the forefront of the various social and political movements,” touted Associate Director Kees Gispen. “Critics of the Senate’s plan are simple-minded, to say the least. To say that this proposal’s detractors cannot see the forest for the trees – rotten, beetle-infested trees, might I add, who will never add anything to our dying world – is an understatement.”
Upon successful completion of the trial phase, which culminates on November 1, the Senate will propose the addition of all “student” athletes to the energy workforce.
To reduce emissions, the Senate has decided to disconnect the Croft building from the University power grid, opting instead to employ a mix of over 600 finance, education, art and philosophy majors to continuously ride stationary bicycles in the Croft basement. Compensation for each completed eight hour shift includes 10 Crollars per hour, two hot meals and basic living arrangements near the premises.
“As outlined in section 4, paragraph 9, line 6 of the edict” explained Senate president Ronald Jackson, “Croft will save over 400 dollars a month on energy costs. To me and all of my colleagues, it is clear that six or seven hundred business majors, or whatever they call them now, is a small price to pay for clean, cheap energy.”
“They’re driving Tahoes and pushing paper all day,” Jackson continued. “We’re bending the rules of physics, reshaping the global economy, and ushering in a new generation of sustainable ultra-development. You tell me who’s worth more.”
But for some, the plan comes at an extremely high cost.
“It’s just so hard to pedal the bikes for 8 hours at a time,” sighed an exhausted sophomore classics major, whose name has already been forgotten by the Gods of Academia only one floor above, whose soft faces are unceasingly illuminated by the warm light his manpower provides. “I think the biggest challenge was when they took away my Chacos and Wayfarers. Now, I feel like such a GDI.”
Despite these challenges, the Senate’s official position is unwavering.
“We understand that we’ve set an extremely high goal,” admitted a member of the Senate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But that’s what Croft students do – we set unreasonable goals for ourselves, and we do whatever it takes to reach them.”
Croft administrators agree.
“The Croft Institute has always been at the forefront of the various social and political movements,” touted Associate Director Kees Gispen. “Critics of the Senate’s plan are simple-minded, to say the least. To say that this proposal’s detractors cannot see the forest for the trees – rotten, beetle-infested trees, might I add, who will never add anything to our dying world – is an understatement.”
Upon successful completion of the trial phase, which culminates on November 1, the Senate will propose the addition of all “student” athletes to the energy workforce.
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