Greetings readers-
The three stories preceding this post are from the inaugural edition of The Croft Harbinger. We here at the Harbinger are dedicated to bringing the stories that count to students at the University of Mississippi. And by students we naturally mean the ones that count- the students of the Croft Institute of International Studies.
So enjoy the snarkiness and if you find objection with something, send us an email. We promise to ignore your comments, or if you're lucky enough, to make fun of them.
Sincerely,
Your writers at the Harbinger.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Croft now accepting younger applicants, hopes to claim baby geniuses
Beginning this fall, students between the ages of 10 and pre-conception may begin applying for a spot in future cohorts of the Croft Institute.
The school hopes that in doing this, they can mold these minds into becoming “Crofties” at a very young age; traits of elitism, morbidly excessive intelligence, and overall perfection will be ingrained in these students from an early age.
“We hope that by scoping out our potential apprentices 15 to 20 years before any other school even realizes they are alive, we will be able to steal these super scholars from the likes of Harvard or MIT, “ said Kees Gispen, director of Croft.
Parents who intend on breeding potential Croft students may also apply pre-birth and conception, if they are able to provide the Institute with the child’s name, approximate future GPA and standardized test scores, social compatibility ratings, and language/region of study.
However, if any of these things fail to manifest in the future, the child will be doomed to join the vermin of a local community college and will most likely be forced into a life of rueful inferiority.
Professor Ty Ramirez, of the Spanish department, will take no such chances with his five-year-old daughter, Penelope.
“I take her college education very seriously. Not only has she already applied and been accepted into International Studies, but Penny is taking daily three-hour-courses in Mandarin Chinese. The hell I’d let her end up a pregnant McDonald’s worker or, even worse, a common student at a local university!”
If you have a current or potential child interested in applying to Croft, please visit the website or call the Institute as soon as possible; competition is already fierce, so inquire today!
The school hopes that in doing this, they can mold these minds into becoming “Crofties” at a very young age; traits of elitism, morbidly excessive intelligence, and overall perfection will be ingrained in these students from an early age.
“We hope that by scoping out our potential apprentices 15 to 20 years before any other school even realizes they are alive, we will be able to steal these super scholars from the likes of Harvard or MIT, “ said Kees Gispen, director of Croft.
Parents who intend on breeding potential Croft students may also apply pre-birth and conception, if they are able to provide the Institute with the child’s name, approximate future GPA and standardized test scores, social compatibility ratings, and language/region of study.
However, if any of these things fail to manifest in the future, the child will be doomed to join the vermin of a local community college and will most likely be forced into a life of rueful inferiority.
Professor Ty Ramirez, of the Spanish department, will take no such chances with his five-year-old daughter, Penelope.
“I take her college education very seriously. Not only has she already applied and been accepted into International Studies, but Penny is taking daily three-hour-courses in Mandarin Chinese. The hell I’d let her end up a pregnant McDonald’s worker or, even worse, a common student at a local university!”
If you have a current or potential child interested in applying to Croft, please visit the website or call the Institute as soon as possible; competition is already fierce, so inquire today!
Croft Renews Suicide Hotline
UNIVERSITY, Miss - With the beginning of a new school year upon us, the Croft Institute is considering renewing one of their older traditions: the life evaluation hotline. As plenty of seniors will understand, the pains and pressures of writing a thesis can cause several emotional problems and cause one to call their life into question.
Croft is here to help. Students may call the new hotline (1-888-WORTH-IT) for help in solving this crisis. Students can explain their dilemma to an adviser who will then pass judgment on whether the student’s life is worth living. The administration would like to note that decisions made by advisers are not optional and are enforced promptly.
According to several anonymous Crofties, the hotline has already been a big help. “Yeah, I mean, trying to write a thesis is hard. I don’t think I have the time to do it and I consider regular students at Ole Miss to be of lesser worth. I don’t have enough time to devote to disdain and it really caused me to ponder my own life,” said one Croftie, while waiting for the hammer to strike.
Most students were satisfied with the counsel they received. According to friends of one former Croftie, she was thoroughly relieved when the adviser told her that her life was not worth continuing. Sources say she thanked God and the adviser before hanging up. Some however expressed disappointment when told that their lives were worth living, because it meant they still had to write their theses.
The administration encourages all seniors with any doubts to call the hotline so that questions may be resolved definitively.
Croft is here to help. Students may call the new hotline (1-888-WORTH-IT) for help in solving this crisis. Students can explain their dilemma to an adviser who will then pass judgment on whether the student’s life is worth living. The administration would like to note that decisions made by advisers are not optional and are enforced promptly.
According to several anonymous Crofties, the hotline has already been a big help. “Yeah, I mean, trying to write a thesis is hard. I don’t think I have the time to do it and I consider regular students at Ole Miss to be of lesser worth. I don’t have enough time to devote to disdain and it really caused me to ponder my own life,” said one Croftie, while waiting for the hammer to strike.
Most students were satisfied with the counsel they received. According to friends of one former Croftie, she was thoroughly relieved when the adviser told her that her life was not worth continuing. Sources say she thanked God and the adviser before hanging up. Some however expressed disappointment when told that their lives were worth living, because it meant they still had to write their theses.
The administration encourages all seniors with any doubts to call the hotline so that questions may be resolved definitively.
Croft Goes Green
UNIVERSITY, Miss. – In an unprecedented demonstration of student-body power, the Croft Senate unanimously adopted a motion last week to transform the Institute’s majestic, antebellum palace into a zero-emissions landmark by October 1.
To reduce emissions, the Senate has decided to disconnect the Croft building from the University power grid, opting instead to employ a mix of over 600 finance, education, art and philosophy majors to continuously ride stationary bicycles in the Croft basement. Compensation for each completed eight hour shift includes 10 Crollars per hour, two hot meals and basic living arrangements near the premises.
“As outlined in section 4, paragraph 9, line 6 of the edict” explained Senate president Ronald Jackson, “Croft will save over 400 dollars a month on energy costs. To me and all of my colleagues, it is clear that six or seven hundred business majors, or whatever they call them now, is a small price to pay for clean, cheap energy.”
“They’re driving Tahoes and pushing paper all day,” Jackson continued. “We’re bending the rules of physics, reshaping the global economy, and ushering in a new generation of sustainable ultra-development. You tell me who’s worth more.”
But for some, the plan comes at an extremely high cost.
“It’s just so hard to pedal the bikes for 8 hours at a time,” sighed an exhausted sophomore classics major, whose name has already been forgotten by the Gods of Academia only one floor above, whose soft faces are unceasingly illuminated by the warm light his manpower provides. “I think the biggest challenge was when they took away my Chacos and Wayfarers. Now, I feel like such a GDI.”
Despite these challenges, the Senate’s official position is unwavering.
“We understand that we’ve set an extremely high goal,” admitted a member of the Senate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But that’s what Croft students do – we set unreasonable goals for ourselves, and we do whatever it takes to reach them.”
Croft administrators agree.
“The Croft Institute has always been at the forefront of the various social and political movements,” touted Associate Director Kees Gispen. “Critics of the Senate’s plan are simple-minded, to say the least. To say that this proposal’s detractors cannot see the forest for the trees – rotten, beetle-infested trees, might I add, who will never add anything to our dying world – is an understatement.”
Upon successful completion of the trial phase, which culminates on November 1, the Senate will propose the addition of all “student” athletes to the energy workforce.
To reduce emissions, the Senate has decided to disconnect the Croft building from the University power grid, opting instead to employ a mix of over 600 finance, education, art and philosophy majors to continuously ride stationary bicycles in the Croft basement. Compensation for each completed eight hour shift includes 10 Crollars per hour, two hot meals and basic living arrangements near the premises.
“As outlined in section 4, paragraph 9, line 6 of the edict” explained Senate president Ronald Jackson, “Croft will save over 400 dollars a month on energy costs. To me and all of my colleagues, it is clear that six or seven hundred business majors, or whatever they call them now, is a small price to pay for clean, cheap energy.”
“They’re driving Tahoes and pushing paper all day,” Jackson continued. “We’re bending the rules of physics, reshaping the global economy, and ushering in a new generation of sustainable ultra-development. You tell me who’s worth more.”
But for some, the plan comes at an extremely high cost.
“It’s just so hard to pedal the bikes for 8 hours at a time,” sighed an exhausted sophomore classics major, whose name has already been forgotten by the Gods of Academia only one floor above, whose soft faces are unceasingly illuminated by the warm light his manpower provides. “I think the biggest challenge was when they took away my Chacos and Wayfarers. Now, I feel like such a GDI.”
Despite these challenges, the Senate’s official position is unwavering.
“We understand that we’ve set an extremely high goal,” admitted a member of the Senate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But that’s what Croft students do – we set unreasonable goals for ourselves, and we do whatever it takes to reach them.”
Croft administrators agree.
“The Croft Institute has always been at the forefront of the various social and political movements,” touted Associate Director Kees Gispen. “Critics of the Senate’s plan are simple-minded, to say the least. To say that this proposal’s detractors cannot see the forest for the trees – rotten, beetle-infested trees, might I add, who will never add anything to our dying world – is an understatement.”
Upon successful completion of the trial phase, which culminates on November 1, the Senate will propose the addition of all “student” athletes to the energy workforce.
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